365 Grateful – Reflecting
By Renee Bodkin
2015. One week into this new year. I want to reflect on my “365 Grateful Journey”. It’s been a learning experience. It’s been a Blessing. It wasn’t a “complete” success as I *only* completed 160 blog entries in 2014. I still consider it a success as I made a difference – both in my own life and – I think – in the lives of others. I changed my way of thinking and reflecting. I know when my brain gets ahead of itself, it’s time to write and take time to be grateful.
So… I’m grateful for starting this journey. And seeing it through even when days and weeks passed by without a word written, I still came back and wrote. And that is good.
It was therapeutic and healing.
It was motivating and inspiring.
It was challenging and difficult (at times).
It made me a better person, it helped me keep going and keep my head on straight. It put things in perspective. Perspective was important in this journey. Looking through others’ eyes. Walking in others’ shoes. A favorite quote from a favorite book —
Now the challenge is this — what direction do I take this blogging journey. Ideally, I would love to monetize it and have it go viral and have zillions (or at least thousands) of followers but realistically I see it as a personal journaling experience. I have lots of information, knowledge, and ideas to share but I lack the directed focus on what specifically I would want to share. My hubby thinks I have all of this “great talent and knowledge” but it’s so jumbled in my head — how on earth would I organize it to make it coherent?? So… for now… I’m at a crossroad. I will continue to randomly write about my gratitude because it IS that important to me and I believe it’s worthy of sharing (in a world seemingly so selfish and negative). And I will write about whatever pops into my head and comes out in words. Hope you’re ready for this… you never know what you’ll read.
Honestly, life is tough.
I teach difficult kids – who for the most part have given up on learning and think school is a joke. I am saddened and frustrated by this. How am I supposed to keep caring and keep believing that I am making a difference when attendance is miserable and school is so low on my students’ lists of priorities? Their lives are so complicated, they’ve given up on this “education” thing already. Therefore, making it complicated for me to find something – anything – to teach them that will (just maybe) make a difference. Of course, keeping in mind that the key focus is on passing tests (in the eyes of the government). *shaking head*
Life is tough.
My hubby is still sick. He has so many things going on medically. Doctors shake THEIR heads and can’t identify why levels are the way they are, why he has certain symptoms and what they mean, what medications work or don’t (seemingly not taking into consideration that this is a 41 year old man on more than a dozen daily medications, and what to do to help him. The cancer is gone – per se – we think. But the things he goes through on a daily basis are unimaginable to one who has never lived with someone in this situation. And yet, he keeps plugging along and trying and going to doctor appointment after doctor appointment despite it all. And I —- my heart aches because of this, my head is pissed at the world because of this (because the immature voice in all of us sometimes comes out and wants to scream – IT’S NOT FAIR!), and my “me” is thrown in a zillion directions because of this. I know I’m an exaggerator… but you get the point.
Life is tough.
There are things I can’t – or won’t – write here. Stupid things that weigh on me. But they are stupid. They are real. I just get discouraged because I care so much. Because I give so much. Because I just want something to “go right” once in a while. So…. I keep being me and hoping that it all really is “meant for a reason”. I have so much to be grateful for — and despite how tough life is — I am grateful.